Early Morning, Quiet Noise

I was not going to decorate for Christmas this year. I just could not bring myself to hang each bulb on the Christmas tree and relive the associated memories that go with them. But wait, I promised myself as a kid to always have a Christmas tree after going to my grandma’s house which had none. “I’m too old,” she said. “Too tired to put one up.” The furnace continues to run.

I promised my cousins I’d have them over for some tea and cookies. And then a couple of dear friends of mine wanted to come by and see my new place. It just made sense to decorate for the season. I saw a photograph of the most beautifully decorated Christmas tree on Facebook and I got inspired. My wall clock, grandfather clock, continues to quietly tick.

I did not have to put all of my memory laden ornaments on my tree. I did not need to use the same lights. I could have a simply decorated tree like the one I saw in the photograph. I could not find the purple lights, that would have to wait until next year giving me time to find some, but I did find some white lights and a strand of blue lights which when lite are more of a teal color. A few silver artificial poinsettias, my teal garland, and four strategically placed ornaments (my mom’s spaceship alien, my walnut I made in 1st grade, my representative Smokey cat playing with yarn, and one traditional bulb) all in same color scheme. It is simple, eloquent, and beautiful. My dog softly snores.

I think of my friends, those who are current in my life. I think of my condo and how it is starting to feel like home after being in it for over a year. I think of how I am so different than I was five years ago. I am happy. The snow outside is softly, quietly falling.

Everything to Gain, Everything to Lose

Working midnights is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done so when I heard that Lori had taken the midnight manager position my heart felt pain for her. But my heart also knew she had to pay her dues. Lori had everything going for her. I had only known her a short time but she was the kind of person you wanted to be friends with. Petite blond, evenly balanced facial features, big brown eyes. Sweet inside too! Her career was taking off and she was heading for the stars.

Lori had not been to work in over two weeks and I was beginning to wonder if she had quit because as I said before, midnights is a difficult job. “She’s on medical leave,” according to the day shift manager. I started to ask questions of coworkers and learned she was undergoing medical tests to find out why she was dizzy and unable to stand. I thought to myself this cannot be good.

A few of us went to visit her in the hospital. She looked beautiful in spite of the terrible news Lori shared with us. A brain tumor. Operation required followed by chemo and radiation. Saving her eggs as she and her boyfriend would soon be married and wanted to have some kids. They did not want her eggs to be damaged from chemo and radiation. Her boyfriend was there. He affectionately called her Mouse. I guess that’s because she was tiny and gentle. Mouse.

I went to the funeral home a few weeks later to say goodbye to Lori and to grieve with my coworkers who were also there. In shock. For the beautiful, smart girl who had it all, lost everything. It was a closed casket.

Look Back but Don’t Linger

Some people can look back and have a majority of positive experiences to remember. Some people can look back and have only negative experiences to think about. It is always good to reflect on events and places in the past, find the lesson, but it is not good to spend too much time doing so as these memories can be as real today as they were back when. Our minds can’t tell the difference most times.

“Bring the past only if you are going to build from it.” – Domenico Cieri Estrada

I find that living in a new area, Florida as opposed to where I grew up in Michigan, eliminates a lot of painful memories. I have made good memories during the short time I’ve been living here. When I move back to Michigan I will also live in a new area, not in the area where so many painful memories exist.

Moving back to Michigan was truly coming home. I live in a different area now and am forging my way into the unknown. some things are with me that were with me before: my job, my cottage, and my Michigan daughter. Everything else is new and different. I’m four years out from my move to Florida where I learned that my Florida daughter has a very busy work/family life. Grandma just doesn’t fit in. It was empty nest syndrome 20 years removed. I’ve finally come to grips with it. It takes me forever, it seems, to identify my feelings.

And now, here I am. Just starting to understand that I shape my life by my thoughts. That I am the only person to please. That I have been given/earned safe passage into my senior years. Some people learn to shape their lives through thought from a young age. They take for granted that which I had to learn through many, many years of life. But I learned it and know it now.

And guess what? I am now a paid writer for a small town paper.

Creativity

I was walking my dog the other day in the downtown of a small town. It was a beautiful day, crowds of people going to the local Farmer’s market, flowers everywhere, the sun was shining, clear blue sky overhead and suddenly I wanted to write again. Where did that come from?

I have a couple of ideas for a story but haven’t been able to formulate a plot. I am going to try.

I found my book on plot and structure. It seems like fun.

I am also reading once again. I’ve been told that a writer needs to read. And write. When I come up with ideas for a plot I’ll write them here.

Books I am reading.

A Funky Feeling Kind of Day

I’m sitting in the dermatologist parking lot because I arrived 45 minutes early for my appointment. It is a routine check up so I’m not too concerned about being here. The last of my doctor visits almost. One more to go for a second opinion. First opinion, eye doctor, wants to do laser surgery on my corneas to allow for pressure relief just in case. So I’m getting a second opinion. Been to colonoscopy doc, mammogram scan, now dermatology and then a repeat eye exam. This takes a lot out of me.

So what’s up with my mood? Why am I feeling funky? Is it from being cooped up from Covid? I don’t think it is because I normally live a life of isolation. I can’t figure it out.

Maybe because there’s trouble with my Michigan daughter. Things are rather unpleasant. We need therapy to work it out but she hasn’t followed through on it yet.

It usually takes me months to figure out my feelings so I’m not too stressed about this funk.

It will be good to determine why I’m in this space. I work one day a week in the lab and tomorrow’s my day. I don’t like it but then I do. Get to keep my brain active and make some extra money.

I’ve allowed myself to gain some weight back because my arms looked like a ninety year old woman’s arms. They are plumped out now and look better but I need to stop the weight gain. In a size 12 jean and that’s perfect for me.

I still have the boyfriend. Maybe he’s the reason for my funky feeling. He’s very unaffectionate. He continues to come over. We watch sports, bet on FanDuel, watch politics and discuss politics. He’s right leaning; I’m left leaning. This makes for interesting discussions. Maybe it’s the unsureness of the relationship – I never know if he’s coming back or not. There’s no talk of a commitment. There’s just really nothing that binds us together. And maybe that’s the best way to be? Just by myself in the relationship. It’s foreign to me. But I’ve been twice divorced so I’m not too confident in my relationship strategies. At this point I’m open to advice and opinions 😷

Love – is it worth the risk?

Maybe “life is a choice between boredom and suffering?”

Emotional Triggers

Abandoned in childhood. My dad – emotionally unavailable. A trigger in my adult life in romantic relationships I enter into. I’ve overcome abandonment (left out, left behind, forgotten) in all other aspects of life but it is still there in a romantic setting. It is so painful. I just struggle to get to the other side of it.

My boyfriend is a very stable and well adjusted person, so it seems. But he’s not perfect. He is walled off from feelings – he has them but chooses not to express them. This triggers my abandonment issue. I just don’t know how to get past this. For now I am going by this :

Any ideas or comments are welcomed. I am determined to figure this out. To overcome.

Kill Bill – Last Scene

That’s where I am today. Beatrix finally gets her daughter back and she lays on the bathroom floor crying/laughing. I am crying/laughing today. Frustrated with things/hopeful for things. Overall happy but struggle with life in general.

My past 3 years have been hell. It started when my dog, my beloved basset named Daisey, was diagnosed with lymphoma. I tried to save her with chemo. The minute her treatment ended the tumors popped up all over her body. I had to put her to sleep forever. And I’m still grieving her. No one understands my loss except me. Perhaps God.

I’ve been on the run ever since. Running away. Made choices that didn’t have the expectations I wanted. Thousands of dollars spent. Now I’m in a place that is all new. Nothing familiar except a few things I’ve saved along the way: grandma’s sewing machine, my cuckoo clock, my piano. I’ve realized my adult girls have their own lives and I am alone. I have my rescue Lilybug dog. I have so much. I am grateful for all of it. Grateful for the good and bad. Most grateful for losing weight and eating healthy.

My sis and bro love me and support me. My girls too. I have so much. So why am I crying? why am I drinking Cosmos? Perhaps because the battle is over. Perhaps because I’ve landed on earth again. I still miss my Daisey but the pain is lessened. My new rescue Lilybug needs me to stay strong for her. I am her world.

Wherever It Goes

Mike is his name. He knocked on my front door and casually asked me to lunch. I said no because I had things to get done. I said no because I wasn’t sure if I could handle a relationship with a man. But I did say to him that lunch sounded nice and I would take a rain check.

Mike owns the cottage across the road from my cottage. i’ve met him a couple times over the seven years I’ve been here. He needed to borrow some water a few times to get his cottage’s water working. Of course I said yes. “Use as much as you need.”

So when I noticed him walking past my house a few times I wondered what was up. He never had done that before. I was letting my dog out and he started a conversation with me. “Could Mike be interested in me?” I asked myself.

He gave me his phone number and had me call him so he would have my number. He was interested.

It was 4th of July and I knew he was alone at his cottage so I invited him to watch the fireworks with my family down at the lake from the docks. I didn’t know if he’d come or not but I wanted him to know he was welcome. Being alone on a holiday is somewhat sad. He joined us for the fireworks.

He asked me to go canoeing. I said OK. I was very nervous because I had always heard canoeing can bring out the worst in people. But I reminded myself that water was my friend; I respect it’s power but am not afraid of it.

We had a nice time canoeing.

Things have progressed from there. He takes me out to dinner. We listen to 70’s music and watch movies on TV. It has been very nice these past six weeks. I’m learning about him and he’s learning about me.

Neither of us knows where this may go. For right now I am learning to enjoy the moments we spend time together. Maybe we will share life together. Maybe not. I’m willing to take a chance. Wherever it goes.

Thinking Makes It So

I’m writing this as I sit on my beach chair in my house that is devoid of all furniture. I slept on an air mattress last night. My ties to living in Florida are complete in 2 days as I wait for the final closing on my house.

As I look around, everything I see is because of a decision I made. My plantation shutters, my hammered dulcimer, my pink petunias in a pot. It is empowering to know that if I no longer like what I see, I can change it. In this particular situation I no longer like how I feel.

I am a different person than I was three years ago when I moved to Florida. I came here, unbeknownst at the time, to capture an old relationship with my daughter. But she is no longer the 19 year old girl that joined the US Air Force. She’s a grown woman now with a husband and four teenagers. In other words our mother daughter relationship changed while I wasn’t looking.

I had also gained about 60 lbs and had to put my beloved basset hound to sleep because of lymphoma. I was very depressed. When I realized that my daughter’s relationship with me was different I was forced to look deep inside of me to find out who I was; how do I want to engage in life. Not what my daughter wants or my family wants but what is it that I want. This was very weird for me because I had lived my entire life for what others wanted.

I have lost the weight and have found things that I like to do. I have finally started on my own journey. I owe a lot of my journey to accepting life as it is. Bryon Katie has good books on this. She also offers insight into changing destructive thoughts. And she offers this for free. Find her website if you want to unlock the key to a happy life.

After all was said and done, selling my house, moving my stuff, forwarding mail, turning off utilities, etc. , I found myself being very sad. Sad for leaving my daughter, for selling my house, for leaving behind a few good friends, and a comfortable life (but boring). And I turned to The Work app and started to process the sadness feelings. Thinking made it so – Thinking made the sadness go. I am excited now to be turning to a new chapter in life. I am at a healthy weight, I am vegan, I like to cook, I have a nice retirement income, I made a nice profit on the sale of my house, mortgage interest rates are the lowest they’ve been in 30 years, and I’ve got all the time I need to find a new place to live. A place to call home. A place to settle into and make mine. Thinking makes it so.